I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
