I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Randomize
