dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
