I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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