"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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