Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
