When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
