It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
