You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
