Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
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