The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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