Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
