Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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