Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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