Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
