How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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