mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
