So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
