my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
