I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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