everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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