i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
