his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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