We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
