I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
no, he came in my armpit
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
