Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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