The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
