I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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