You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
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I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
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No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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