low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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