my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize