Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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