she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just invented taco cereal.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
