I just threw up on my dentist
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize