i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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