It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
All the doctor said was why
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
