I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
