i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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