Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
