It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
