Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
