She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
