i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
