I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
