"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i barfeds in our rink
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
