My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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