why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I seem to have left my pride at pride
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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