I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
