Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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