Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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