gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
