Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
