Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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