omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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