He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
