every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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