Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize