Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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