My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
